The Adventures of Darien The Rat: The Eggplant Wars
by tquinn
Summary: Darien's pet rat, one of The Keeper's lab rats, has his own adventure. Originally published 2001.


*thunk*  
*thunk*  
*thunk*

Darien turned towards the score card. "That's 3 points for me and 400 for my little rat friend." Darien grinned and waved his glass towards Darien the Rat. "Way to go pal. Keep kicking my butt like this and I'll have to retire as dart champion of the Agency." Darien downed the rest of his beer and decided to call it a night. He staggered off the couch and stumbled towards his bedroom, wondering if he should have just stayed on the couch. "Night buddy. You can hang out here for the night. Be good now." Darien switched off the lights and fell into bed.

A short while later, the sound of deep breathing came from the bedroom. Darien the Rat poked his nose towards the top of the cage and started to fiddle with the latch. Darien the Human never really bothered to securely latch the cage, which was to Darien the Rat's advantage.

In a matter of seconds, Darien the Rat deftly popped the lid of the cage open and crawled out. He wandered across the top of the table and pondered his escape route. Noting that the couch was closer to the floor, he leapt into an amazing acrobatic display and landed on a soft cushion. He then slid to the floor and went in search of excitement.

Darien the Rat, known as "Jumpin" Jack Black to the underworld, scurried towards his secret exit. As he approached the doorway, he felt a slight prickle, as if someone was watching him.

"Heya, handsome. Out for a late night stroll?"

Jack jumped. He peered into the dark tunnel. A pair of bright eyes shone out. "Who's there?" he called.

A very nice-looking female rat slinked out. "Just me, honey. Thought you were never going to arrive."

Jack greeted Rhia LaDore, his current girlfriend. "The human wanted to spend some quality time with me."

"Sounds like he needs a life."

"He's okay. We have a lot in common."

"I'm going to like this human then. Where is he?"

"In bed."

"Oooo...want to have some fun? Let's scurry across his feet."

Jack sighed. Rhia was way too hormonal. It was appreciated, but right now he had business to attend to. "Maybe some other night. I have to go check out some rumors I heard about the east side."

Rhia glared. She loved Jack, but was frustrated with his sense of duty. She was darned if she was going to let him out of her sight tonight. "Can I follow?"

"Sure, babe. I could use an extra tail." Jack loved Rhia for many things. Tonight he loved her because she wasn't a wimp when it came to danger. She would be right there, fighting if necessary.

The couple scurried into the tunnel, leaving the human world behind them.  
Once they were several feet under the building, Jack put his guard up. The human didn't live in the best part of town, and Undertown usually followed conditions of the surface. The La Jolla Undertown residents were snobby and refused to associate with downtown San Diego Undertown rats.

Rhia sensed his tension but refused to show it. She had to live here 24/7. He had a house and was fed daily. Still, she understood he was unique. Yet his devotion to the human troubled her.

They stopped at a fork in the tunnel and Jack moved aside some dirt and exposed some random, shiny objects and a small pouch. He motioned for Rhia to come over, slipped the pouch around her body, and carefully dropped the items into the pouch.

"What the heck is this, love?"

"It's a small pouch to carry items we might need for trading later on."

"Where did you find it?"

"The little human girl who lives next to my human threw it out the window last week."

"Amazing what they decide they don't need."

Jack squeaked an agreement and started down the left-foot tunnel. Rhia followed, trying to keep the pouch from tripping her.

Soon, the tunnel opened into a very large bustling city. Jack paused and inhaled the musty air. "I love this town." He said, smiling like it was his first trap escape.

"Obviously you don't live here enough," Rhia muttered.

Jack ignored her and ambled over to his favorite haunt. A motley crew of underdwellers looked him over, noting his white coat. They then ignored him and went back to their discussion.

Jack pulled a piece of a meal pellet out of the pouch and wandered up to a lone rat in the corner. He placed the pellet on the ground and stared at the rat. "I need information."

"Harumph. Don't we all."

"There's a shipment of rat poison rumored to be coming into the docks tonight. I want to know where, when, and how ."

"You're asking for a lot, pal. Why don't you and your girlfriend go home to your fancy cages."

Jack glared. "Mel, I know you're privy to Eowen's plans. Why she trusts you with information is beyond me. I want you to tell me the details..." Jack trailed off, leaving an unspoken threat.

"Oh yeah? Or what? You'll hit me with your puny tail? Get out of here cagerat!"  
Jack looked at Mel with a bemused expression on his face. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, now beat it!" Mel grabbed the pellet and ran off.

Jack laughed. He motioned for Rhia to wait and ran off after Mel. Rhia followed.

Fortunately, Mel was a terrible runner; Jack easily caught up to him. Mel looked about wildly for escape, but was blocked in. Mel was also a terrible navigator. He put on some false bravado and stared defiantly at Jack. "Do you have any idea what Eggplant is going to do to me if she finds out I gave you that information?"

Jack sneered. "Do I care? Give me the info and I'll let you live to booze around tomorrow."

Mel laughed. "I ain't afraid of you, cagerat. Give it your best shot."

"You asked for it, punk." Jack tensed and his eyes started to glow red. He shimmered around the edges and disappeared, except for his glowing red eyes. "Don't make me convince you."

Mel cowered. "Shit man! You're the lab rat! I-I don't want no trouble! Leave me alone!"

"Not until you spill it, scum." Jack's eyes moved closer. For an added effect, he made his teeth visible. Mel cowered more.

"Two o'clock. Pier 4. Eggplant is going to have a few of her boys distract the humans and the girls are going to get the merchandise. Smooth operation. Can I go now, *please*!?"

Jack stared for a while longer. "No. I want to know why. Why would Eowen want rat poison?"

"Someone said she was goin' to take out her competitors in La Jolla Undertown so she can increase her territory."

Jack heard a scuffling coming from behind him.

Mel's eyes grew wide. "You bastard! I told you this would happen!" he began scrabbling at the walls.

Jack spun around to see a pack of rats closing in. He noticed a tattoo on the leader. "Eggplant!"

The leader of the pack grinned, showing off his teeth. "Lookee here boys. We have a veri-fi-able snitch. And looks like he's helping out the Lab Rat. I don't think we can let this continue. We're going to hafta put an end to your little chit chat." Mr. Blonde, Eggplant's head thug, closed in.

Jack stood his ground and concealed his eyes and teeth.

"Aw come on, Lab Rat. Fight like a street rat."

"Why?" Jack growled, feeling the silver energy course through his veins. "I can win this way."

"You ain't gonna win. Get 'im."

The rat pack rushed in. Jack, with his invisible advantage, managed to trounce a few almost instantly. But there were at least five more and they now knew where Jack was.

Suddenly, with a high-pitched battle cry, Rhia leapt into the fray, tearing at the thugs.  
Within moments, she and Jack had kicked the collective tails of the pack.

Jack turned towards Mel, but he had disappeared during the fight. No matter. He had all the information he needed.

Half an hour later, Jack and Rhia were at the docks. They scurried behind some boxes and watched the activity.

"Look!" Rhia motioned with her tail.

Jack peered into the early morning gloom. He could see a mass of dark shapes gathering near the freighter. "Eggplant's thugs!"

Suddenly, the mass moved. They swarmed towards to human workers, while a few others waited behind.

The humans pointed towards the swarming thugs and started to scream.

"Rats! Get the hose, Paul!"

"I'm tryin' Eddie. Whee the hell did you put it!?"

"Aw crap! Lookout!"

Jack and Rhia watched as the rats pushed the two hapless humans into the water. Jack looked at Rhia. "Let's go!" They ran as fast as their little legs would carry them towards the remaining rats. When they reached the group, they skidded to an abrupt stop.

The startled band of thugs turned around, Eowen 'Eggplant' Carbonara in the center. "Well, well," she smirked. "What have we here? A lab rat and his harlot. How amusing."

Rhia fumed. Jack held her back. "We're here to stop you, Eowen."

"Sure you are. You may have beaten Mr. Blonde and his pack of neanderthals, but my girls are tougher than you think." She motioned to her associates. "Spook, DG...you're with me. Nef, Ackdor, Bel, Oboe, Guine...take them out."

The pack grinned and leapt into action. Eggplant and the others scurried off towards the freighter.

Jack gritted his teeth and transformed into a lean, mean, invisible fighting machine. Somehow, the invisibility always energized him more.

Rhia was howling and biting as fiercely as she could. Jack noted she could probably handle the whole pack by herself. "Babe, can you handle things here?" he asked between blows.

"Sure hon. These lightweights are a piece of cake. Call me a 'harlot' will you!" She screeched and landed on Guine's back, biting furiously.

Jack ran after Eggplant and her two cronies. He was still transparent and decided to stay that way. He skidded around a corner in time to see the trio carrying a box of the poison off the ship. Jack ran headlong towards them, crashing into the box. The agents of the underworld flew across the pier and the box skidded into the water.

Eowen snarled. "You idiots! How could you drop it!"

DG cowered. "It wasn't me! I swear!"

Eowen glared at Spook. Spook cringed and was promptly knocked across the pier by an unseen force.

DG shrieked and ran away as fast as she could. She didn't get very far. Jack knocked her out in one quicksilver-energized blow.

He then turned his attention towards Eowen, who was still slightly stunned. He made his eyes and teeth visible.

Eowen 'Eggplant' Carbonara stood her ground. She could at least see Jack and she wasn't going down without a fight.

"I'm impressed, Lab Rat. Just because you took out my best girls doesn't mean you're going to take me down. And i still have a whole army of men you forgot about!" She grinned with all-knowing confidence.

"Wrong, you harpy!" Rhia casually walked towards the gangster. "They took one look at Jack and me trouncing you and your cadre of losers and took off. You're all mine now." She stood by Jack and grinned.

"That's my girl." Jack beamed with pride. "Don't make this harder on yourself, Eggplant. Come quietly."

Eowen shrieked and jumped off the pier into the water below.

Jack and Rhia rushed over, but there was no trace of the gangster.

"Is she gone?" Rhia asked, hopefully.

Jack sighed. "Probably not. Her kind always come back. Let's go home, babe. We've done all we can here, and it's almost morning."

Darien yawned and stumbled out of bed. He decided that alarm clocks were inherently evil. He went into the kitchen for breakfast and stopped by Darien the Rat's cage.

"What the-?" Darien stared into the cage. The little door in the top of the cage was still open. And there were two rats in the cage. "What have you been up to, little buddy?"

Darien the Rat blinked awake and stared at Darien the Human. Then he snuggled closer to the other rat in the cage.

Darien suddenly understood. "Oh you player, you. I go to work every day, risking my butt so you can eat and you spend your nights partying? Is this fair?"

Darien the Rat didn't answer. He was sound asleep.

Darien the Human sighed and got ready for work. What would a rat know about saving the world anyway?


End file.
